Movie Review: Indiana Jones and the Stupid Alien Artifact

I avoided this movie in the theatre.  I even refused to buy it, or rent it myself.

I remember seeing a Southpark episode about Steven Spielberg and George Lucas going around raping everyone as a metaphor for this movie.  I didn’t think it could could be that bad.

I’m glad to admit, and this doesn’t happen very often, I was wrong.  Boy, was I wrong.

The metaphor of raping an American icon and making them say they enjoyed it is *exactly* what this movie was.  Where the hell did Double-O Indy come from?  Aliens?  Really?!  That’s the best you could do?

Anyone remember that part in the movie where we go from Indy being chained up to being nice guy to the crazy man?  Yea….and then crazy man comes back…and…and…there’s just so much stupid, stupid crap in this movie.

There’s a scene I recall that was particularly cringe-worthy.  Shia LeBouf (please….can he go to rehab or something for a couple years…maybe find himself….this exposure thing…it can go too far) is straddling two jeeps cruising at about 30 or 40 through the dense jungle (yea…rape).   Anyway, as he’s going through the blatantly foreshadowed rapier-battle with a paycheck-cashing Cate Blanchett, he starts to get repeatedly smashed in the groin with the underbrush.

That’s what watching this movie felt like…being repeatedly smashed in the groin with large bits of foilage.

And the worst part about it…the absolute most nasty thing….I frickin’ smiled at the end.

Maybe I was just glad it was over, and I could now apply some salve to my wounds.  I had watched an icon (Indy) get trashed by an icon (Ford) at the direction of other icons (Lucas, Speilberg).    No wonder idol worship has been banned since time immemorial.  It always leads to sadness.

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