American Honeys
So I went to my favorite pub/sports pub to do some liveblogging for the Superbowl.
As football is about as close as I come to organized religion, the Superbowl is a big day for me. A Super Party, if you well. I had picked my location in the bar early and spent most of the day flirting and taking pictures and watching one heckuve football game.
There was one rather catastrophic downside though. As I was at a bar, using my laptop, there was a chance things could go badly. This happened right after halftime, when a half-full cup of water was poured on my laptop by a group of drunk Mexican nationals (the rich Mexicans).
Quick note on the glass half-full versus the glass half-empty riddle. Trust me on this one, it is the half-full side of the glass that causes problems. The empty part does nothing. The glass is/was half-full.
The half-full glass ultimately fried my laptop and leaves me in a rather precarious place, as I am now an artist without a brush. I’ll figure something out, but it was a big loss. Here’s how the liveblogging of the first half went. By the second half I was deep into flirting territory and had to stop blogging. It happens…
Roy is liveblogging the SB on FB @ Frankies. I’m picking the Cards to win…maybe by a blowout.damn…just tried to sell a book for a dollar…didn’t take…I haven’t decided about the over/under yet, but I think it’s going to be…under… [ed: wrongo!!]Still thinking about the over/under with the American Honey girls, to be honest…Roy is pretty glad he can’t hear the pre-game. The music here is better than sappy feel-good crap. C’mon folks, it’s football, one of the most violent games on the planet.These guys are about to go to “war”. And half of them will lose horribly.
XLIII..how do you provounce that anyvay.Can we get some more “anchormen” for this game? There’s like a whole football team calling the game.Stupid ass song by Faith Hill.Nice leather pants, though.How many surgeries has Al Michaels had. Ohh..I love Madden.Listen to the jowled-one.Oh look, fat people. I wonder how many chairs Jared broke before he got paid by Subway to stay kinda slim. Like Limbaugh and Roker, he fattened back up after getting paid for slimming down.The Terrible Towels….in effect. Towlie would be so proud, so would Ford Prefect.Wait a second…did I just see fake “camera flashes” from the upper deck?Lebron would be a bad-ass tight end, for about five years. No gold medals for football though.Superkid. eh.The Blackberry Storm sucks, BTW. Mossberg said so, so it must be true.Sweetness…taken too soon.Kurt Warner wins the Walter Payton award…is that foreshadowing…of the best thing he’s going to win today. If he wins this game he makes it into the HOF. I would think.Faith Hills is pretty hot.
Play Ball!!!The Crew…of flight 1549. Getting the award for doing their damn job. Oh look, a stewardess…or sky waitress as I call ’em.Wait a second…another song…didn’t her whole family get killed by the second amendment?I’ll never forgive Jamie Foxx for what he did to her.Is Matt Leinart still on their team?Contrails!!! They just dosed the whole crowd!Did we just bomb France? Oh, it’s a movie. Ninjas…Goooo Joe!!!I fucking loved Snake Eyes back in the day.Pennies are worthless.We lose money every time we mint one.Hyandai….actually makes pretty good cars. What?! No GM commercials yet?Madden can just…talk…he’s great. I can’t wait until he goes senile.General Petreas…interesting. I didn’t realize he played in the NFL.I thought the General would be taller. Cardinals Win!!Oh, the Superbowl is on. Thanks for the reminder, NBC.Here comes the “tone” of the game…first play…3 yards…could of dust..this is going to be an “Under” game. [ed: wrongo, forgot about Harrison]Err, cloud of dust. 2 yards…first down and more…Hines can’t run for shit though. That D-end needs to stay at home.Oooh, more bad D. Pitt is pushing it. Nice lick, still a first down. Second down and one sucks for the defense.
Straight up the gut. That’s the easiest play and the reason you need a good tight end. Nice route. Nice play.
Defense, defense. They need to hold them here.
2nd and Goal.
3rd and Goal.
Big Ben…falls over into the endzone. It pays to be seven feet tall.
That’s illegal. You can’t pull someone into the endzone. I don’t think they can go back and call pentalties….first review…a few more million in advertising money.
Beer commercial…nice one. Too bad Bug Light is shit beer.
Angels and Demons is a stupid ass book. Angels and Demons has some REALLY bad physics in it. It will be a big hit in the U.S.
GTA: Miami. Audi. Nice. It’s the Transporter 4: The Superbowl Commercial.
Short of the goal line. And the crowd in Dallas goes wild.4th and Goal.
My god Football is the most technologically analyzed sport in the history of humans. That’s why it’s my religion, or something.
It’s good. 3-0.
Harrison is a force of nature. A manchild. He’ll be a big factor. He single-handedly beat the Cowboys. Ugh…that was ugly. [ed note: I knew he would be the game changer, didn’t realize how much until later.]Time to punt.
Crappy punt…more commercials…Conan…selling out. Bug Light is still shit beer.
Year One…looks kinda funny. It’s time to reset the year counter anyway.
More foreign car commercials. I guess if you don’t get a bailout, you can still afford commercials.
Steelers take the field…more big yards. The Steelers have totally changed their offense. Doing a lot of mis-direction. It’s working so far. Let’s see how the Cards adjust.Dropped interception. Dangit. Ben left it short…they needed that one.
2nd and 10. Quick out.
3rd and short. Jumped…offense. 3rd and 10.
Wow….nice play Ben. He’s going to lose the ball if he does that again though.
The Cards need to tackle better. Another screen, another first down.
Big hole…second and short again. Quick slant. First down.
First quarter in the bag. 3-0. Stealers.
Potato Heads…(copyright Hasbro).Aaaah, my lips. That one got a laugh.
Fast and Furious…another one…That movie looks really realistic.
Chimps…monkeys are just funny. Strange days indeed…monkey love…got a bunch of groans.
This guy is totally trying to pick up this girl right behind me. It’s hilarious.
2nd and Goal.3rd and Goal…again. Have to hold ’em. Oh…another skirmish.
Hines Ward might be tough, but he’s limping. Hence the mis-direction in their offense.
More commercials….
Will Farrell. Sleestaks. Awesome. Land of the Lost. Loved that show.Boobs. Cheetos. Free money. Dead cops. Doritos…got a groan.
Go Daddy. More boobs.. bleh. Tits or GTFO.
3rd and Goal.Touchdown. Stealers are going with what got them here…defense and ball control. That’s why the missed pick was so big. The Cards need some turnovers to win this one.
Physical comedy. Lots of graons. Darwin awards. Pepsi Blue Max. Yea…Woah, rhino…ostrich….giant boar….water buffalo….hmmm…how about a dog.
Budwieser…show off.
Ordinary people, with supernatural abilities…eh… Heroes would be cool if it was on Showtime and Hayden showed more skin.
Kickoff…more commercials.More Budweiser. More foreign owned companies. This is like the Graduate. Fat people falling down. Indians.Future movie number 2. New Star Trek…looks good. I like Sylar as a Vulcan.
Oh look…football…Dropped pass. The Cards need to play tighter…or looser…something is off.
First down. Get something moving. Block Harrison.
Nice tackle. 2nd and 5.
Nice catch. First down.
First down. Cards are moving. That makes them VERY dangerous.
Holding again. 1st and 20. Time to open it up.
2nd and 7.
1st and Goal. Nice play. I cheered loud.
Touchdown. I called it.
10-7.
[eating dinner]ball is bouncing Cardinals way. ….HARRISON.
He is a force of fucking nature.
I called a touchdown before that play…just for the wrong team. Nice Fucking Play. [ed note: that was teh 100 yard interception return. Amazing play, changed the whole game.]
Wow, best play ever to end a half. Amazing. I told ya’ll to watch him.Gay lizards selling sugar water. SOBE.Lifewater…it’s like water with sugar and dye in it.
Quick pro-tip. If you are anywhere…remember…your clothing is not a snot receptacle. [ed note; this was a suggested joke by my *real* new friend…who asked not to be named during this broadcast.]There’s no flying in football. Even for heroes.
And then the d00ds poured water on my laptop. They eventually apologized after I gave them dirty looks and kep muttering about assholes every time I walked by. The apology was nice…the laptop is still fucked.
A couple things to note: I picked the Cards to win. I figured Harrison would be a big factor, but there was simply no way to calculate how much of a force of nature he would be. That play he made before half threw the whole game into chaos, and was the play that won the game for the Steelers. It was, at least, a 10-point swing and probably closer to 14. A great call by Dick LeBeau, as he pulled Harrison into coverage on the quick slant instead of rushing him in the blitz (like the Cards figured he would).
I did feel the officiating was a rather one-sided affair, which was sad to see, and wish Warner could have gotten off that Hail Mary near the end. There’s no “tuck rule” when playing the Steelers, it would seem.
While I was wrong about the winner (it happens) if anyone followed my rather objective analysis of this game, before it started, or the college football championship, and bet on it, you won big. The Cards won against the line.
If youd didn’t take my advice, take a note for next time, and subscribe to the blog.
Peace out.
I have too much fun watching football and making friends...
I do like Big Ben (and Parliament) but without Bettis to carry them, the Steelers just don’t have the steam to win.